Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Yet many of us never learned how to express our needs and boundaries in a way that is respectful to both ourselves and the other person. Assertive communication is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct and honest way while respecting the rights and feelings of others.
The Three Communication Styles
Before exploring assertiveness, it’s helpful to understand the three main communication styles and their consequences.
Passive Communication
Characteristics:
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Difficulty saying “no”
- Minimizing your own needs and desires
- Quiet voice, avoiding eye contact
- Frequent apologies
Example: “It doesn’t matter what I want, do what you think…”
Long-term consequences:
- Accumulated resentments
- Low self-esteem
- Imbalanced relationships
- Emotional burnout
Aggressive Communication
Characteristics:
- Ignoring others’ needs and rights
- Raised voice, threatening gestures
- Criticism, accusations, blame
- Frequent interruptions
- Desire to win, not to resolve
Example: “You always do everything wrong! You don’t care about anyone!”
Long-term consequences:
- Damaged relationships
- Social isolation
- Guilt after aggressive episodes
- Escalating conflicts
Assertive Communication
Characteristics:
- Direct and honest expression of needs
- Respecting your own rights and those of others
- Appropriate eye contact, open posture
- Calm and firm tone
- Active listening
Example: “I feel neglected when I don’t get a response to messages for days. I would appreciate knowing when you’re busy.”
Long-term consequences:
- Balanced and satisfying relationships
- Healthy self-esteem
- Effective conflict resolution
- Mutual respect
The DESC Technique for Assertive Communication
One of the most effective methods for assertive communication is the DESC technique, an acronym that provides a clear structure for difficult conversations.
D - Describe the situation
Present the facts objectively, without interpretations or judgments.
Avoid: “You always arrive late!” (generalization, accusation)
Use: “Over the past three weeks, you’ve arrived 15-20 minutes late to our meetings.”
E - Express your feelings
Use first-person sentences to describe how the situation affects you.
Avoid: “You irritate me when you do that!” (blame)
Use: “I feel unimportant and frustrated when I’m waiting.”
S - Specify what you want
Formulate a clear and concrete request.
Avoid: “I want you to be more considerate!” (vague)
Use: “I would like you to let me know if you’ll be more than 10 minutes late.”
C - Consequences
Explain the benefits of cooperation or the natural consequences of not honoring the request.
Avoid: “If you don’t change, I’ll break up with you!” (threat)
Use: “If I know what to expect, I’ll feel more relaxed and our time together will be more enjoyable.”
Complete DESC Example
I’ve noticed that lately, when I tell you about my day, you often look at your phone (D). I feel unheard and that saddens me (E). I would like for us to put our phones away during conversations (S). I think this way we could be more connected and our conversations would be more satisfying for both of us (C).Example of DESC communication
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They define where “I” end and “the other person” begins.
Types of boundaries
| Type | Example of healthy boundary |
|---|---|
| Physical | “I need my personal space when I’m working.” |
| Emotional | “I’m not comfortable discussing that right now.” |
| Time | “I can help on Saturday, but Sunday I have other plans.” |
| Material | “I prefer not to lend out my car.” |
| Digital | “I don’t respond to work messages after 7:00 PM.” |
How to set boundaries
- Identify your needs - What’s missing? What bothers you?
- Formulate the boundary clearly - Be specific and direct
- Communicate calmly - Without excessive apologies or elaborate justifications
- Accept reactions - The other person may be disappointed; that doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong
- Maintain consistency - Fluctuating boundaries are difficult to respect
Formula for setting boundaries
“When [behavior], I feel [emotion]. I need [boundary]. If that’s not possible, I will [consequence].”
Example: “When I receive criticism in front of colleagues, I feel humiliated. I need feedback to be given in private. If that’s not possible, I will ask for a follow-up discussion one-on-one.”
Obstacles to Assertive Communication
Beliefs that block us
Many people avoid assertive communication because of mistaken beliefs:
- “If I say no, I’ll be rejected”
- “My needs aren’t as important as others'”
- “Good people don’t cause conflict”
- “If they cared about me, they’d know what I need”
- “Assertiveness is selfish”
The reality
- Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person
- Your needs are just as valid as others'
- Healthy conflict strengthens relationships
- No one can read minds - communication is essential
- Assertiveness is respect - for yourself and for the other person
Practical Exercises
Exercise 1: Communication journal
Exercise 2: Practice in front of the mirror
Choose a situation where you need to set a boundary. Practice in front of the mirror:
- Straight, open posture
- Eye contact
- Calm and firm voice
- First-person message
Exercise 3: Start small
Don’t begin with the most difficult conversation. Practice assertiveness in low-stakes situations:
- Returning a defective product
- Expressing your preference at a restaurant
- Politely refusing a minor request
Handling Difficult Responses
If the other person becomes defensive
- Maintain calm and neutral tone
- Validate their emotions: “I understand this conversation might be difficult…”
- Reaffirm your intention is not to blame: “I’m not looking for someone to blame, I’m looking for a solution”
- Propose a break if needed
If the other person ignores the request
- Repeat the request clearly and calmly (broken record technique)
- Don’t escalate emotionally
- If behavior continues, implement the consequences you announced
- Evaluate whether the relationship is balanced
If you become anxious
- Take deep breaths before the conversation
- Remind yourself that you have the right to express your needs
- Celebrate each step, regardless of the outcome
Conclusion
Assertive communication is a skill that develops with practice. Don’t expect to be perfect right away - what matters is that you start. Each conversation in which you express your needs with respect is a step toward healthier relationships and a more solid sense of self-worth.
Remember: assertiveness doesn’t guarantee you’ll always get what you want. It does guarantee that you’ll have communicated your needs clearly and with dignity, and that’s all you can control.
This article provides educational information. If you’re struggling with persistent communication or relationship difficulties, I encourage you to consult a psychotherapist specializing in this area.