What makes a couple work in the long run? It is not the absence of conflict β all couples have disagreements. Nor is it perfect compatibility β that is a myth. What differentiates couples who stay together and happy from those who separate is the way they communicate, especially during difficult moments. Researcher John Gottman, after four decades of studying thousands of couples, can predict with 94% accuracy whether a couple will divorce, simply by analyzing the first minutes of a conversation about a disagreement.
Habit 1: Soft Startup of Difficult Conversations
The way you begin a difficult discussion predicts, in 96% of cases, how it will end. Gottman calls this the “startup” β and distinguishes between harsh and soft startup.
Harsh (predicts escalation): “You never do anything around the house. You’re lazy and you don’t care about me.”
Soft (predicts resolution): “I feel overwhelmed with household chores. I need your help. Can we talk about how to better divide responsibilities?”
The difference: “I” statements instead of “you” accusations, describing the feeling, making a concrete request.
Exercise: Reformulating the Startup
Think of a grievance you have in your relationship. Write it down first as it would come naturally (probably as an accusation), then reformulate it:
- What I feel: “I feel…” (sad, frustrated, lonely, overlooked)
- About what situation: “…when…” (describe the specific situation, without generalizations)
- What I need: “…and I need…” (specific, achievable request)
Example: “I feel lonely when you spend every evening on your phone, and I need us to have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted conversation.”
Habit 2: Accepting Your Partner’s Influence
Accepting influence means moving from “I need to win” to “we need to find a solution that works for both of us.” You do not have to agree with everything β you just need to be willing to truly listen.
Habit 3: Building “Emotional Maps”
Emotional maps are the knowledge you have about your partner’s inner world: their fears, dreams, values, current stressors, small joys.
Exercise: Updating Your Emotional Map
Couples who stay connected constantly update their emotional maps. Try, each independently, to answer these questions about your partner:
- What is your partner’s biggest worry right now?
- What is the dream your partner has postponed the most?
- Who is the person that irritates them the most at work?
- What moment in the past week made them happiest?
- What is your partner’s biggest regret?
If you do not know the answers, it is not a failure β it is an opportunity. Ask them. This conversation itself is connection.
Habit 4: Repairing Conflicts in Real Time
No couple communicates perfectly all the time. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is not the frequency of conflicts, but the capacity for repair β the gesture or word that stops escalation and brings the conversation back to constructive ground.
- Recognize escalation: “I feel we’re getting off topic” or “I feel myself getting defensive and not listening anymore. Can we start over?”
- Use humor (gently): A moment of self-deprecation or a reference to a happy shared memory can defuse tension. Caution: humor only works if it does not ridicule the partner.
- Take a break if needed: “I need 20 minutes to calm down and then we’ll continue.” The break must have a set duration β otherwise it becomes avoidance.
- Return with openness: After the break, do not come back with “so, as I was saying…” but with “I want to understand what you feel.”
Habit 5: Managing the Four “Horsemen of the Apocalypse”
Gottman identified four communication patterns so destructive he named them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”:
- Criticism (character attack): “You’re irresponsible” vs. a specific complaint
- Contempt (the most toxic): sarcasm, ridicule, facial contempt, superiority
- Defensiveness: constant justification, counter-attack, refusal to acknowledge any responsibility
- Stonewalling (complete withdrawal): total shutdown, silence, leaving the room without explanation
Contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce. It is the antidote to the 5:1 ratio β in relationships with contempt, negative interactions massively overwhelm positive ones.
Antidotes
- Criticism β Expressing a specific complaint: “When you don’t take out the trash, I feel unsupported” (not “You’re messy”)
- Contempt β A culture of appreciation: express gratitude, admiration, and respect daily
- Defensiveness β Partial responsibility: “You’re right about one thing, I could have…”
- Stonewalling β Physiological self-regulation: “I need a 20-minute break to calm down”
Habit 6: Responding to “Bids” β Small Requests for Connection
Exercise: Detecting Bids for Connection
For one day, observe your partner’s bids for connection β they can be subtle:
- A comment about something they saw or read
- A brief touch as they pass by you
- Telling a story about an event from their day
- A question about your opinion
- A joke or a reference to a shared memory
Count how many you notice. Count how many you respond to with genuine attention. This simple awareness exercise profoundly changes the quality of daily interactions.
Habit 7: Creating Rituals of Connection
Happy couples have rituals β not grand and elaborate, but small and consistent. Research in relational psychology shows that positive predictability creates emotional safety (Johnson, 2008).
Examples of simple rituals that maintain connection:
- The departure and reunion ritual: A kiss of at least 6 seconds when leaving and returning (Gottman specifically recommends this)
- The evening question: “What was the best moment of your day?” β instead of “What did you do today?” (which invites monosyllabic answers)
- Weekly couple evening: An activity for just the two of you, without phones, without children, without household tasks
- The emotional check-in: 10 minutes where each person says “how I feel today” without the other offering solutions
When to Seek Professional Help
- Communication has become predominantly negative (more than 1:1 in the negative-to-positive ratio)
- One or both partners constantly feel unheard, disrespected, or lonely in the relationship
- Conflicts repeat without resolution β the same discussions, the same impasses
- Contempt or stonewalling have become the norm, not the exception
- There is infidelity, loss of trust, or major secrets
- One partner is contemplating separation
Couples therapy is not a “last resort” β it is most effective when the couple comes early, before resentments accumulate. A couples therapist can help you identify destructive patterns, learn concrete communication skills, and rebuild emotional connection.
Conclusion
Communication in a couple is not a talent you are born with β it is a set of skills you can learn and practice. The seven habits described here do not require perfection; they require intention and consistency. You do not have to implement all of them simultaneously. Choose one, practice it for a week, observe what changes. The most powerful transformations in relationships come from the smallest changes, repeated with dedication.
A happy relationship is not one without conflict. It is one where two people choose, every day, to turn toward each other, not against each other.
This article provides educational information and does not replace consultation with a mental health professional. If you are experiencing persistent difficulties, I encourage you to schedule a consultation.