Relationships are the space where we are formed as people, but also the place where the deepest wounds can be created. Relational trauma β wounds inflicted by people we trusted β is one of the most challenging forms of trauma, precisely because it affects the core of our capacity to connect with others. And yet, if the wounds were created in relationships, it is also in relationships that healing can occur.
What Is Relational Trauma?
Relational trauma occurs when the people we depend on emotionally β parents, partners, close friends β hurt us repeatedly or significantly. Unlike other forms of trauma (accidents, disasters), relational trauma involves a betrayal of trust within an attachment relationship.
Researcher Jennifer Freyd (1996) introduced the concept of “betrayal trauma,” emphasizing that the impact of trauma is amplified when it comes from a person on whom we depend for survival or emotional well-being.
Forms of Relational Trauma
In childhood relationships
- Emotional neglect β The parent is physically present but emotionally absent
- Emotional abuse β Criticism, humiliation, manipulation, gaslighting
- Role reversal β The child becomes the “parent” of the parent
- Disorganized attachment β The parent is simultaneously a source of comfort and fear
- Triangulation β The child is used as a mediator between parents
In adult romantic relationships
- Abusive relationships β Physical, emotional, or sexual violence from the partner
- Chronic infidelity β Repeated betrayal of trust
- Manipulation and control β Coercive behavior that erodes autonomy
- Abandonment β The sudden departure of a partner without explanation or closure
- Emotional intermittency β Unpredictable alternation between affection and rejection
How Relational Trauma Manifests in Adulthood
Affected attachment patterns
Research in attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969; Main and Hesse, 1990) identifies how relational trauma shapes relationship patterns:
- Anxious attachment β Constant need for reassurance, fear of abandonment, tendency to lose your identity in the relationship. “If you are not available, it means you don’t love me.”
- Avoidant attachment β Discomfort with intimacy, excessive self-sufficiency, minimizing emotional needs. “I don’t need anyone, I manage on my own.”
- Disorganized attachment β A combination of anxiety and avoidance. You desire intimacy but sabotage it when it appears. Relationships are perceived as simultaneously necessary and dangerous.
Warning signs in relationships
- You consistently choose partners who hurt you or are emotionally unavailable
- You feel suffocating or controlling in relationships, even though you do not want to be
- You constantly put others’ needs first, neglecting yourself
- You emotionally withdraw as soon as the relationship becomes intimate
- You oscillate between idealizing and devaluing your partner
- You feel you do not deserve a good relationship
Healing from Relational Trauma
The fundamental principle: “Co-regulated before self-regulated”
Psychologist Stephen Porges emphasizes that humans are neurobiologically designed for co-regulation β that is, for regulating emotions in relationship with others. If this capacity has been damaged by trauma, healing requires new corrective relational experiences.
Steps toward healing
Exercise: Relationship Pattern Inventory
This exercise helps you identify the patterns in your relationships:
- List 3-5 significant relationships in your life (romantic, friendship, family)
- For each one, answer:
- How did I generally feel in this relationship? (safe, anxious, controlled, avoidant?)
- What role did I play? (protector, rescuer, invisible, people-pleaser?)
- How did it end, or how does it function now?
- Look for patterns: What repeats? What roles recur? What type of partners/friends do you choose?
- Connect to the past: Where have you experienced these dynamics before? Do they resemble any childhood relationship?
- Formulate: “My main relational pattern is ___. It comes from the experience of ___.”
This awareness, though painful, is the foundation of change.
Building safety in new relationships
- Progressivity: Reveal yourself gradually, not abruptly. Test the safety of the relationship step by step
- Observation: Pay attention to how the other person responds when you are vulnerable. An empathic response is a signal of safety
- Boundaries: Set and communicate boundaries clearly. A healthy relationship respects both persons’ boundaries
- Communication: Express what you feel, even if it is uncomfortable. “When you do X, I feel Y” is a simple but powerful format
The role of the therapeutic relationship
The relationship with the therapist can be the first secure attachment relationship you experience. In this space:
- You can experience vulnerability without punishment
- You can test boundaries without abandonment
- You can express anger, sadness, or fear and receive acceptance
- You can learn that relationships can be safe, consistent, and reparative
Recommended Therapeutic Approaches
- EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) β Specific to healing relational trauma in couples (Johnson, 2019)
- Attachment-based therapy β Rebuilds attachment patterns in a safe setting
- EMDR β Processes specific traumatic memories from relationships
- Schema Therapy β Identifies and modifies dysfunctional relational schemas formed in childhood
- IFS (Internal Family Systems) β Works with the protective and exiled “parts” of the personality
When to Seek Professional Help
- You repeatedly find yourself in relationships that hurt you
- You feel you cannot trust anyone, even though you desire connection
- You experience intense anxiety or panic in intimate relationships
- You avoid relationships entirely due to fear of being hurt
- You have difficulty setting or respecting boundaries
- Your relationships follow a predictable pattern of approach-distance-rupture
- Negative thoughts about yourself in relational contexts are constant (“I am not good enough,” “I will be abandoned”)
Conclusion
Relational trauma wounds us in the deepest layers of our being, where the need for connection and belonging resides. But this is also the source of hope: if the wounds were created in relationships, then relationships β safe, empathic, and consistent ones β can be the place of healing.
You do not have to heal alone to deserve a good relationship. A good relationship can be part of your healing.
This article provides educational information and does not replace consultation with a mental health professional. If you are experiencing persistent difficulties, I encourage you to schedule a consultation.