Many people live with the vague feeling that “something is missing,” even when everything appears to be going well on the surface. Often, this sensation indicates a disconnection from personal values β the principles that truly define who we are and what matters to us. Identifying and living according to your values is not an abstract philosophical exercise but a practical process that can fundamentally transform the satisfaction and meaning in your life.
What Are Personal Values
Values versus goals
A common confusion is between values and goals. Goals can be achieved and checked off β “I want to get promoted,” “I want to lose 10 kg.” Values are ongoing qualities of action β “I want to be a dedicated professional,” “I want to take care of my health.”
Values versus “shoulds”
Not all values you claim are truly your own. Some may be:
- Inherited values β adopted from parents without critical evaluation
- Social values β adopted from cultural or group pressure
- Compensatory values β chosen as a reaction to painful experiences, not from authenticity
The key question: “If nobody knew and nobody judged, would I still choose this?”
How to Identify Your Values
Method 1: Life domains exercise
Exercise: Exploring Value Domains
Think about each life domain below and answer the question: “What kind of person do I want to be in this area?”
- Romantic relationships/intimacy β What qualities do I want to bring to my relationship?
- Family β What kind of parent/child/sibling do I want to be?
- Friendships/social life β What kind of friend do I want to be?
- Career/work β What matters to me beyond salary?
- Education/growth β How do I want to grow?
- Recreation/fun β What brings me authentic joy?
- Health/physical well-being β How do I want to care for my body?
- Spirituality/meaning β What connects me to something greater than myself?
- Community/contribution β How do I want to leave my mark on the world?
Do not rush. Return to this exercise on different days β the answers will clarify over time.
Method 2: Peak moments exercise
Exercise: Moments of Fulfillment
- Recall 3-5 moments in your life when you felt most alive, most aligned, most “you”
- For each moment, answer:
- What was I doing?
- Who was I with?
- What personal quality was I expressing?
- What value was being honored in that moment?
- Observe the common themes β these point to your deep values
Method 3: The funeral question
Although it may seem morbid, this classic ACT exercise (Wilson & Murrell, 2004) is remarkably effective.
Imagine attending your own memorial. What would you want to be said about you by:
- Your partner?
- Your children?
- Your best friend?
- A work colleague?
The words you would want spoken point to your deepest values.
The Most Common Human Values
Here are some frequently encountered examples of values:
- Authenticity β being honest with myself and others
- Compassion β being attentive to the suffering of others
- Courage β acting despite fear
- Curiosity β continuously learning and exploring
- Responsibility β owning the consequences of my choices
- Connection β building deep relationships
- Creativity β expressing and creating
- Fairness β treating everyone equitably
How to Live According to Your Values
Step 1: Identify the gap
- Choose 3-5 essential values from the explorations above
- For each value, rate on a scale of 1 to 10: “How much am I living according to this value right now?”
- Identify the value with the largest gap β this is your priority
- Set one small, concrete action you can take this week in the direction of that value
Step 2: Committed actions
Values become real only through actions. Ask yourself each morning: “What can I do today, however small, that is aligned with my values?” Examples:
- Value of connection: call a friend you haven’t spoken with
- Value of health: go for a 15-minute walk
- Value of curiosity: read an article on a new topic
- Value of authenticity: express an opinion you normally hold back
Step 3: Navigate obstacles
Living according to your values is not obstacle-free. Research from ACT (Hayes et al., 2006) shows that the main barriers are:
- Cognitive fusion β “I’m not the kind of person who…”
- Experiential avoidance β avoiding the discomfort associated with change
- Lack of clarity β confusing values with goals or external expectations
When to Seek Professional Help
- You feel a persistent disconnection from meaning and purpose
- Your values are in acute conflict (for example, career versus family) and you cannot find balance
- You recognize you are living according to someone else’s values but don’t know how to change
- You experience apathy, depression, or existential anxiety
- You have gone through a major transition (divorce, loss, career change) and need recalibration
An ACT therapist can guide you through a structured process of values clarification and building a life aligned with them.
Conclusion
Personal values are not a philosophical luxury β they are the compass that gives direction and meaning to your life. Identifying them requires honesty, and living them requires courage. You will not always be perfectly aligned with your values, and that is normal. What matters is to notice when you have drifted and to choose, once again, the direction that matters to you.
It does not matter how far you have gone in the wrong direction. You can always choose to turn around. Your values are waiting right where you left them.
This article provides educational information and does not replace consultation with a mental health specialist. If you are experiencing persistent difficulties, I encourage you to schedule a consultation.